Ten clever things to do at 3 in the morning.

1. Walk your dog!
2. Run a mile!
3. Make 7 sandwiches. Eat them!
4. Prank call all the friends you know are sleeping!
5. Make a bookshelf naked!
6. Solve P versus NP!
7. Bass fishing!
8. Grease a pig. Catch it!
9. Sing an opera in front of your neighbors home at the top of your lungs!
10. Go to Wal-Mart. Steal all the food you can carry. Donate it to the homeless. Eat it in front of them!

Comments

Ode To Eyewear

I just want to know why it is that men keep looking at me with all those eyes? Eyes, alone, sexy as all hell. I want nothing more than for a boy to stare at me with his so I can stare at him with mine. Kind of like a contest that I'm always hopeful no one ever has to win. Victory only means that we need to stop staring at each other. And why would I ever want to do that. Add some extra eyes to the already awesome pair, and you've got yourself a weak-kneed girl. Does it make me kinky to find glasses so insanely attractive? Am I a freak nasty for wanting to kiss a boy senseless for being blind? I mean, I'm really sorry if you're near-eyed, far-eyed or just plain fucked in the cornea, but I feel like it should be okay for me to benefit from your problem. If I could find a way to get a boy to keep their glasses on twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, I'd probably stay hot every day for the rest of my life. I understand that sex with a pair of lenses held by a pie...

To Do List

1. Buy a new toothbrush as the one that I currently own has the slight scent of aged cheese, as well as a bit of the color. 2. Get a haircut. To say that my hair is merely 'uneven' would be a gross understatement resulting in an entire flock of angels falling down dead as a result of my untruths. I will never be accepted into heaven, as God shall never forgive me. 3. Buy some cat food, for underneath all of that fur lies a feline of pure skin and bone. She will die soon from starvation. As it stands I feed her bits of my Cinnamon Toast Crunch from the bowl in between bites. We are currently team eaters. 4. Invest in a few pairs of long socks. The winter months are soon to set in and without adequate warmth for my legs whilst wearing unseasonably short skirts, I will fall ill and die. Also, because of the set of angels I had slain previously, I will be sent directly to hell, where although it will be warm enough for my unseasonably short skirt, will be rather vexing as it...

Better

I was eleven when the hospital called to tell us that Momma had died. Eleven and a half when Papa started drinking. Twelve when I realized that I could no longer sleep. Thirteen when Papa found out that he loved me too much. Fourteen when I found out that his love was, indeed, too much. Seventeen when I finally ran away. One night Papa came home from a long night at work with his partners Jack Daniels and Jameson Irish in the bar around the corner and he came into my room and he held me close and crawled into my sheets and I blocked out everything because I had gotten so good at blocking it out and then he was done and he told me he loved me and it would all be better in the morning and I heard him go downstairs and start snoring from the couch and I thought about what he said and and and It would all be better in the morning. I got out the suitcase that Momma had gotten me for Christmas that one year that we decided to go caroling in the streets and bring our neighbors Christmas cook...

I mean it from the bottom of my [HEART].

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