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The Incorrect Formula For Jealousy

In the movies you kiss someone and its always magic. And it's all bombs. And fireworks. And stars that light up the sky. And babies are born.
In real life you kiss someone and its rarely magic. And its bad breath. And saliva. And groping. And all you want to do is run away.

All I want to do in this moment is run far, far away. This is horrible. This is more than horrible. This is everything NOT good in the world.
I.e.: Dead animals, roast beef, Slipknot.
This is.... bad breath, saliva, groping plus all of the aforementioned rolled all up into one package of boy lips and oral cavities. How does one person even manage to get all of that in there?
It's been about 2 minutes of me looking at the bar scenery and him going 'Mmm, baby you taste so good bla bla bla,' and I'm really hoping that he's planning on coming up for air soon. Or maybe to rehydrate, seeing as all of his body's moisture has left him through his mouth and onto my face. Luckily for me, he does need to refuel and gets off of me to go get a drink.

"I'll be right back. I just want to go get another drink."
Yeah, sure, okay.
"Do you want anything?"
No, I'm okay. Not unless its a plane ticket to anywhere you aren't.
I didn't say that last part out loud.

You're probably like, 'Nameless Female, why are you subjecting yourself to this loser? You could just leave since you want to so badly.' And you would be correct in that assumption. A + B + Crappy Situation = GTFO, right? But you don't know about the hidden variable, (x)Boyfriend.

He's sitting at the other end of the bar.

Watching.

You see, A + B + Crappy Situation (x) = Jealousy. On his part at least. Or that's what I'm really hoping for. Because if I go through all of this with The Complete And Total Slobbering Asshole (TCATSA) and not end up with a jealous (x) I'm going to kill myself. This is a perfectly sculpted plan that has no choice but to work. And I just really want him to want me again.

By the looks of him walking over to me while TCATSA is still by the bar fighting for a VodkaCran, I may be victorious.

(x): Hey, [Nameless Female].
[NF]: Sup.
(x): Nothing much. I just spotted you from the other side of the bar. You look really nice.
[NF]: Ha. Thanks. You look good too.

Winner?

(x): Are you here with TCATSA?
[NF]: Yeah. We just decided to hang out.
(x): Oh. Thats pretty cool.

COOL?! What do you mean, 'thats pretty cool'?! No it's not fucking cool?! I hate him! I want you! I want no one in this world but you!!!

[NF]: Yeah, you know. Seeing other people and all that. It was your idea, remember?. *Awkward laughter*
(x): I know it was. I'm just glad it's all working out for you.
[NF]: Wh--

No. Stop.

(x): I'll see you around, okay? Maybe we can get some lunch sometime. As friends, of course.
[NF]: ...friends. Right. Sure, okay.
TCATSA: *At bartender* I ASKED FOR 18% CRAN! IS THAT SO FUCKING HARD?!
(x): Later, then.

He's getting up. And he's leaving. And he doesn't want me back.

And TCATSA is still fighting for his damn drink. And if he comes back his mouth taste like everything wrong with this world plus a VodkaCran with 18% cran.

Thats it. I'm out of here. I'm going to go find the nearest bridge to toss myself off of.
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