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Notes To Larry

September 4th

She’s beautiful. Look at her. Are you looking at her? Well, why the fuck not Larry? That bitch is going to be my future ex-wife. She’s perfect for the job, don’t you think? The face, the body, the way that every time she notices me staring at her she quickly looks the other way. Imagine the possibilities.


September 13th

Larry, stop spouting bullshit. Of course she knows who I am. We have 3 classes together. She has no choice. She’s just playing that good ol’ hard-to-get. That’s okay, though. Because I’m going to walk right up to her at the end of class and give her my phone number. Sometimes you just have to man up on these hoes to let them know what’s what.

September 14th

Okay, so I chickened out. Don’t laugh, Larry! I’m just trying to give her some time to get ready for all this greatness. Plus, I have to figure out exactly what I want to say to her. I can’t mess it up by saying something weird and having her never want to speak to me again.


September 17th

Ay, yo girl. How about you let me grace your pres---

BITCH! YOU! ME! DATE! Tommo---

What you got up in them jeans gi---

Please go out with me… please go out with me… please go out with me…


September 20th

This is officially the day. Do you hear me, Larry? I’m going to do it TODAY.


September 21st

She said yes, dude! The future love of my life, bearer of my children and every-day sex partner said yes! I could die happy. I’m not sure if there has ever been a happier day in my entire life — No, Larry. I know that I said when Tanya said yes that that was the happiest day of my life, but that was because I was never exposed to all the loveliness of today and its glories and wonders and beauty and… Shh, Larry. Diana does not count as happiness either. Did you not see the way she chewed her food? Hell no. The point is… date on Saturday. I’ll let you know how it goes.


September 24th

Well, Larry. As it turns out, she isn’t the future love of my life after all. She talks entirely too much. About nothing! Politics… news… the economy… What red-blooded American male even cares about that kind of stuff? Well, besides you, Larry. And to top it off, she’s a vegetarian. We can’t possibly work out if she can’t tolerate man food. Larry, I’m not saying that you aren’t a man because you are a vegetarian too, it’s just not for me… What do you mean you want to ask her out?! I don’t care how much you have in common. Up until 2 days ago that was my future wife! Larry, you can’t do this to me. Isn’t that some sort of man law that you are breaking here?


September 27th

I don’t care about your blissful happiness, Larry. No, I’m not mad at you for stealing my woman away from me. None of that matters anymore because… have you seen that girl with the brown hair and eyes that penetrate your soul that was just walking down the hallway? That one… right there. That bitch is going to be my future ex-wife…

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